Why are others happy but not me? - It just makes me want to kill myself.

May 28, 2020 - 17:05:49 UTC

Trigger Warnings: Rape, Abuse, Suicide, Graphic description of violence

Description: Some talk about suicide and feelings about "normal" people. Beware, it gets ugly.

As I said in my last post already, things have been going downhill a lot more recently. Not that it wasn't bad before but I feel like I'm reaching new heights nowadays.

 

As  I said in my last post. This feeling of identity loss is now just...stuck with me. I think about it constantly.

 

The last few days felt especially painful...

 

Do you know that  feeling of  jealousy cause  someone else has something and you don't?

I'm sure nearly everyone knows that feeling. But what usually makes that feeling worse? Realization that whatever you're jealous of you'll never achieve yourself. You can't have it or get to it. Which then even makes it worse if you once  maybe had something like that but you lost it somehow.

 

I've been feeling very  jealous recently.

Towards my friends(Why am I even saying that.. I don't know  who my friends are anymore and if I even have more  than 1 or 2...) and my SO. Or  random people.

I've been angry and just generally very upset about the fact that they can... be normal.

Live their life. Not worry about things like mine constantly.

Like... My SO takes  extremely good care of me. She tries literally everything... but if it gets a bit too much on her own mental stability or health... She can take a break. Play a game. Talk to people. Joke around. Have fun.

I noticed that this is the case for everyone around me.

That everyone might "care"  about me, try  to be there but at the end, they can take distance from my issues and take a deep breath.

I can't.

My mind is constantly playing things in my head from my past. Making me think terrible things. Giving me utter feelings of worthlessness. Nonstop.

I can't take a break from it like everyone else....but... It's not their fault.

I'm still angry about it. I'm angry if I see other people have fun and  enjoy their life... I'd say  I want that back but... I honestly  don't if I think about it deeply enough. I'm just very hurt and sad that others have it better than me in regards of their mental health or their past.

That others don't have so much "pain". I hate it. I know feeling  like that isn't really great or healthy. But what am I supposed  to do?

What  are others going to  tell me? 

"Try Therapy" - I did that. For a long time. With several therapists. Different approaches. I did ECT therapy too and some other measures.

"You need to change how you live!" - Like..how  or what  do you think I could change? I  get a breakdown if I go out  alone. And else  I just feel  in panic and very scared till we get home again. Just thinking about that gives me a shiver.

 

I bet there's more people would suggest me to try and do and I could answer that whatever they suggested is  either absolute bullshit or that  I've tried it already. My  SO always pushed me in the past to do things. Try different ways. But she has  also given up by now.  Accepted  that at least therapy or other things will simply.. not help me.

Sad reality.

 

But this situation just makes it so painful knowing  that  there are people out there who... don't have this issue.  It's so unfair...

It just leads back to me questioning why this happend  to me. And at the end accepting that me, the little girl I was, deserved to get raped and tortured. Always that weird train of thought.

But what can I say? I just feel guilty for existing. It's just pain. But I'm forced to keep going cause other people "Love me and care about me".

I wonder why that doesn't give them the opinion that if I'm in  so much pain... to just  let me go.

But no. They don't think so. Maybe they're just selfish in that regard.

I know for sure that if I'd finally manage to die, my SO would follow. We went trough a lot of likewise scenarios already. After a failed attempt of mine, they also tried  taking their life. It was just too much for them.

 

But still... they keep me around. Without me being able to do much about it....

 


 

Which leads me to the topic of suicide again.

The last week or so... my urge and desire to commit suicide  have increased insanely again.

I constantly think about it. Like every day. But now it's a literal urge I have to "suppress"

For example. Yesterday. I was suddenly feeling this... big rush. 

I want to do it. I want to do it right now. I want to slice my arms open. I want to slice my stomach open and pull out my organs. I want to pull out my eyes. I want pain. I want blood. I want to fucking die.

 

Thoughts like this. Not as clearly thought out. But deep desires. It feels like a rush. A very big sudden urge.

It lead to me scratching my arm blood cause I was trying to compensate  by  pressing my nails into my skin, you know.. how angry  people sometimes clench their fist?

Somewhat like that.

But I overdid it.. I didn't even notice. Till my SO  asked my why I'm bleeding cause there  was actually some blood running down my hand.

It wasn't that big of an issue. Some small bandages and care was enough but...Sigh.

Even after that I felt the same. I laid down cause I got a bit dizzy. But I felt still so... filled with this urge to just go and do it. Right now. As painful as I can.

 

You know.... Over the years  my relationship to suicide changed a lot.

My most attempts were with pills. A few with slicing my arms. Or other stuff. But it was never an all out ...thing?

But I think over  the  last...2 years, that  has changed.

I never liked pain that much. Even when I  did cutting. I even lied about not doing it to my best friend when he asked me if I ever did it. I think it's understandable. People mostly try to hide that. Feel ashamed about it or something else.

But... as I said, even when I used to cut, I didn't really like pain. It was always a reminder of my past. It triggered me honestly. But  also  cutting felt like a way to let out  pain that is purely emotional... What do you do with emotional pain?

It makes you feel heavy, hard. It makes you want to scream, pull your hair out. Punch things. But you can not let it out in any way really.

So I used self harm to  make that pain... reality? If you cut yourself, see the blood, and feeling the burning pain...  it at least is real. It's there. You can... grasp it? It's not just in your head. It comes from  a real  wound. Not a wound in your "soul".

 

Anyways. I didn't like pain. Okay.

But the  last 2  years... I've been craving pain.

My thoughts about how  I want to die became more.. violent and graphic.

As  I mentioned above. I want to feel a lot of  pain when I die.

I'd like to cut myself open and pull out my organs. I'd imagine that would hurt. I also think it's probably impossible  since you'd pass out before you could manage it. But it's a very big...fantasy? Desire?

Whatever it is.. I have built out that scenario  and others. Dying  with a lot of pain. That's what it has become to.

My last therapist told me, when I said something about it, that it comes from an insane feeling of guilt within me. A desire of being punished.

Oh. Thank you doctor obvious.

 

But just... I want  to die.

I just want it so badly.

I don't wish anymore to be.. normal. I don't wish for things to get better. I don't really want things to go back to how it was  back then when I could ignore it.

My best friend often used to ask me if I could,  would I choose to be reborn without this, or wish to just have it gone now.

My answer was, I believe at  least, always no.

I don't want to take a chance again of something like that happening  to me again.

I know that the chance is  extremely  low. Especially  to have it as extreme as I have/had it.

But I just... Don't want to risk it. I feel  also like there's no worth to it for me.

Life has lost all it's value to me. There's no.. nice thing anymore. Nothing joyful or anything I'd say is worth to live for.

So why would I want another chance at life? What for? Seems pointless to me.

Saying that always really hurt my SO.  So I'm glad  they promised to not  read my blog.

 

But... Sigh. I feel like I'm going off track again....

My main point that made  me even want to write something today  was that...

I just  want to die. I feel nothing anymore  really at the moment. Nothing else than this feeling.

Just that urge..that feeling.

 

But.....

 


 

Ever thought about it? Who do you even tell about these desires  and urges?

There's special online communities. Like. Reddit has subreddits for.. ptsd.. ctpsd.. self harm..suicide... Where people are supposed to relate, come together. Help each other. Talk about their issues.

I mentioned before  that in therapy or other occasions, when learning about people that, for example, also struggle with suicide.. ptsd.. and so on... That I feel no...connection or...relation to them.

I honestly  mostly hate most of  them anyways.

 

(Extra warning, what I will say now will probably be very hurtful to some that struggle with suicidal thoughts themselves. I will leave a  mark where it's okay to  read again.)

 

 

Especially the reddit platform that supports/helps people with suicidal thoughts. People seem to kill themselves or want  to kill themselves for the most stupidest reasons in my eyes. Where I believe the  good old "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem" comes from.(Also, this sentiment  really sucks. Stop using it. It's terrible.)

Listen. I know people have different struggles. And things affect people differently.

I know that comparing emotional harm, or  anything like that, is never a good idea...

But when I see someone wanting to kill themselves cause their parents don't love  them I just want  to puke.

Your biggest issue is craving love  or attention from your parents?

Really? That's what makes  you want to commit suicide?

Go away. Stop being an idiot. Family doesn't mean shit. Move on and just make  your life better.

 

I know.... It's not that easy as I make it sound. But these are really problems  with solutions that are very obvious. But we humans aren't that logical most of the  time. So we deny  them or don't see them.

 

But ugh. Hearing about people with issues that probably a lot of normal people face thinking they're special or want to kill themselves over these issues...  Is just...

It leads me back to what I said in another post Nights- Suicide, cause... it feels like people are  taking a very  serious  issue and apply it very lightly and it feels like appropriation.

I feel the exposure mental health got over the  years also lead to a lot of people feeling like they have bigger issues than they really have. And honestly I think it sucks.

I don't think I have it the worst ever. That would be silly. But  as a lot of Therapists, friends, my SO and at  the end even myself made me believe... I have it very, very  bad. I terms of the cards I was dealt with and how it affected  me. That's probably the reason I'm such an "asshole" about trying to "defend" mental health issues against people appropriating them.

 

It just feels like they're  taking something and make it less serious. As if it  was just a joke. Mocking  it.

Edit: I know this section comes off weird. As I said. I know everyone's struggle is different. This is  just my view on some things.  I didn't  want to get too  deep into it, but I feel what I wrote here  might lead  people to get the wrong picture about  my opinion on things.

This post is not about this. I wanted to convey my  deep desire and struggle with suicide. Not get into an  argument about who's suicidal thoughts are valid or if I can judge others. So please keep that in mind.

 

(You can read here again.)

 

Anyways... I just... feel like these platforms at definitely not for me. But what platforms are there?

I feel even scared  to share my blog posts on twitter, since you can report people there for showing intend of self harm or suicide...

I..understand why  that is there. but I just.. want  to talk about my issues.. experiences ... problems and thoughts...

But I'm scared that someone might get upset by reading something they don't like and just reporting me.

Or they feel like I'm promoting suicide to others.

I'm not. I don't think others should commit suicide.

But... I think a person who is an  adult.. has a lot of  pain or  reasons to consider taking their own life... should be able to do so. Or at  least talk openly about it without being shunned upon.

 

I think the lack of serious awareness and representation is what lead to our society now kind of treating more  serious while also treating them  a lot more  as  a  novelty thing or a joke. Something  for attention. It's hip now to have issues.

 

We're somewhat aware that there  are problems  some people face but honestly, how the reality looks like  is probably a mystery to a lot of people. If not nearly everyone.

I mean.. most people think rape sucks. And PTSD is probably terrible.

But what it seriously entails.. what issues these things really come with... to what extremes these things can lead you.. I feel like that's barely  known.

We just tell people trough media or "awareness campaigns" that it's a big boogeyman. It's bad. You don't have to know more.

At  least  that's what seems to stick to most people when they hear about it.

 

Anyways...

I just wanted to... rant a bit about that. At the end. All I  feel is a desire to die.

 

And that's the best  ending for this post I guess?

I'm not sure how the next hours..days..  will go. Maybe I'll end up in the hospital again.

But honestly  if you read this and are worried about me and feel like I should  report this, I should do something.... Don't.

My  SO will take care. Our roommate will. Both  will try everything  to prevent it. So will probably my best friend by talking  to me or maybe even other ...friends?

I don't know if anyone else  considers  me their friend outside of these 3  people  so.. I don't know.

 

Just, be sure that if it can be prevented, stopped or at  least rescued, it will. That's how it has been and probably will be until I fucking manage to do it right.

 

-Ayumi

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