Thank you hanneskun and paxiti - I want to die - Call for help - Fighting with friends

May 30, 2020 - 21:14:47 UTC

Trigger Warnings: Rape, Abuse, Suicide just alot of things I really dont know.

Description: I don't know what to say to this

Fuck.

Fuck fuck fufxlk cfuck fuck fuick

Fuizcvk

 

Just. Fuck.

 

Sigh.

 

As probably no one really cares at the end, the last few days have been just more and more terrible.

 

I want to kill myself. I want to die. Please end this. Please just put it to an end I don't want to take this anymore I can't take it anymore.

 

I just dont know what  to say anymore.

I feel pathetic. I feel pathetic about talking about me wanting to commit suicide. 

Listen. I have tried  many times  in the  past. And currently I just want  to do it so badly again. But I can't. My SO and my Roommate literally don't leave  me alone for a single minute anymore the last few  days.

And I m just so...tired and weak and exhausted....

 

I..want to talk about some  things about the  last few days.

 


 

First. I wanted to talk about something positive for once. Yesterday when I felt just  absolutely hopeless, trapped and done, I reached out to a lot of people. The night before I already talked with a lot of people I know.

 

After  a night of struggling badly with suicidal thoughts and urges, fighting my SO to just please let me end myself. I also decided to reach out to some people that absolutely don't know me.

I sent some of them Twitter DM's, and one of them a Discord DM. I want to clarify. I don't "know" them. As in... I have not  interacted with them before. I follow them for a very long time. But... I have never talked with them before or anything.

Out of the people that I reached out to Only  2 responded. Kinda sad but.. Fuck listen.

People have absolutely no obligation to listen to me, a random internet  stranger or care about me at all. I don't think anyone ignoring  a person like me would be bad.

 

But just... I wanted to thank you.

I wanted to thank Johannes/Hanneskun/Tamsi and Pas/Paxiti

Thank you. From the bottom of my heart. Thank you for reading the shitty messages I sent you. And responding so nicely. Especially Pas/Paxiti(I'm sorry if you want to be called differently)  response was... just.

I realized that at the end. Like...

I have great friends  online. Don't get  me wrong.

But looking at my SO or our roommate(My non binary angle tbh) that...

I wish I had more Queer friends. I Wish I had more friends that  kind of understand.

I barely ever met many people that were so insanely nice like the people from  certain queer spaces.

My best friend is a black asexual guy. Hes really great too.

But..I'm getting sidetracked.

Just...  I just want to say thank you. Your responses meant a lot to me.

They dont... "Cure me". They don't heal my damage but...

That I reached out to 2 random strangers. That probably get a lot of messages every day and they not only responded but took the time to be nice and ...thoughtful... Was just very...Nice. For once.

I don't feel very understood by my online friends. It is not their fault. But besides me and my best friend. Most of them are just Cis, straight people that  also...never experienced bad things in their life. Or at  least not to any extend..or... I don't know.

I'm so sorry if you're one of them and you actually face hardships. I' don't mean to demean you or... anything. Please. I really don't.

But. Ugh.

I just wish I had more friends like these 2 random strangers that with just short messages made me feel more understood than most of my  current friends after knowing them for years.

 

I doubt that...They will read this ever. At all.

But thank you Johannes, for your response. It was just short, but it meant a lot. To at least be heard and getting the feeling you cared a bit. In just these short exchanges.

 

And.. I don't know what to say about Pas/Paxiti. I...was really anxious that they also would ignore me. Cause I first even asked them if sending them a message was fine. Their Twitter DM's are turned off so I  messaged them via discord. Asking if it was even fine if I bother them with my bullshit.

They said its fine and I just..put some random..weird... crappy..emotional message in the chat and...

Then nothing.

It was silent and... I expected they  felt  like I overdid it. Or just didn't want to deal with this  random person writing them that stuff.

I was so anxious that I even wrote them that I am.. god do I feel stupid for doing that cause it comes off as so...attention seeking. At least in my eyes.

They have better stuff to do than deal with my shit.

 

But after some time they responded. And that message made me..cry. But for fucking once not... cause of sadness. 

Aaaahhh..it was such a long time that I felt.... not happy but...I don't know how to describe my feelings towards that Just.. It was  so positive that time...Maybe cause of my current absolute downfall again. I don't know. But your message meant a lot to me.

 

I really wish I had friends like that. That made me feel that way.

Please don't get me wrong. My best friend is great. And he is my best friend. And that's for a reason. I don't want him to doubt himself.

 

But just..ugh... Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck...

 

Just.. Thank you both. I somewhat wish I could talk more to them. But I feel like that goes too far. And I don't want to bother anyone with my stuff.

 

I wanted to reach out to other  people to. Wish I could've talked  to AzulCrecent too. But I didn't find a  way  to reasonably contact them. So I just didn't do that.

 

I wish I could  sent these 2..or maybe these 3. This but.. I think that would be..wrong?

 


 

I really wish I could draw again. I used to. But due my ongoing growth of issues with schizophrenia and sideffects of medicine and schizo. itself...Holding my tablet pens feels just... off nowadays. Besides the lack of motivation.

I tried recently. I can't draw a single not wobbly, messed up line anymore.

The drawing programs that used to be my daily world... felt off. Strange. Completely ...new. As if I never saw them before.

I wish I could let out things  again with art... But just.. I can't.

 


 

I wish my Blog would mean anything.

I've really come to the conclusion that...

I want to be heard.

I want to tell people the ugliness and struggles of someone who has been raped as a child for years. Tortured. Abused. Left by their "Family".

Like...Fuck. I want to tell my story and I would wish people would listen and...understand.

I wish I could tell people so much.

A man did terrible things to me from the age of 6-14. Rape. Torture. Abuse. Much more. for years. For....fucking years.

Aaaah.. I always. Blame myself that it happend. Feel guilty about it. My best friend, my SO our roommate.. they all tell me how wrong  that is... How could I as a child be at any fault for that and...

I don't know.

I just honestly want to fucking  talk about it now. And I wish I'd see people understand and listen. I want this feeling of guilt gone. I want  to feel understood by  people.

But that also just makes me feel so ..pathetic. Why  do I expect anyone.. To care for me. I'm 1 human out of so. So. Many.

I don't matter.

 

I just...wish it was different. The feeling of pain was understood by more. More people would  tell me how wrong  my feelings about what happend to me are. I wish more people understood me.

I just.. wish I had  more  friends that...really show they care by..asking if I'm doing alright from time to time.

 

Sigh. 

 


 

I realized that..or rather.. its not a realization really. I'm so conflicted in so many feelings.

I... have this  extremely twisted feeling  that.. I would want every fucking human on the planet  to feel the same pain and suffering that I do.

But...then again...

Every time I  saw  a person struggle. I felt ...bad for them. I tried to reach out to a lot of them. I didn't want to actually see.. anyone to even feel...  half as bad as me.. not even 10%  as bad.. I didn't want to see that. I wanted to help them.

 

Please.

For me it's too late to make any change. I tried  therapy. I tried so. Many. Fucking. Things.

But please.

If you struggle. If you need help. If you feel like you can't go on. If you feel  alone in your pain. Not understood. Scared. If  you feel... just in any  way like that or something like that.

 

Please. Reach out to someone. Get help. Please. Please just please get help.

Even if its not to a professional.(Therapy should come...)

But please reach out. Friends. Family. Random people you feel trust in. reach out. Please.

Please don't feel like I do. Please don't even feel a single thing I  feel.

You don't deserve anything like that.

If you read this. I care. Even if you think nobody on the world does. That you can trust nobody anymore. That you feel like you can't talk to anyone or anybody. I care.

I care. I believe that I can understand a lot of struggles due what happend to me. So no matter what  your issue is. I Care. I understand. Even if I don't I'd try to understand you.

 

Don't take me as an example on how you should deal with anything.

I doubt many people will read this. I wish that was different, as I said before.

But please. Don't take me as...  a normal thing that happens if you even face rape.

Many rape  survivors can get better. It's just.. In my case...it was child rape...for years and.. It just broke me as a human. But that doesn't mean that if you go trough something similar you have to feel the same way. Go the same path as me.

As I said in other posts, I don't even feel understood or relatable by other  rape  survivors most of the time.

So please know. Things are ugly. Things are horrible  and bad.  No matter if you..suffer from... dealing with racism..dealing  with depression...ptsd...dealing  with rape and the aftermath..if you deal with dysphoria  cause you're  trans..  no matter fucking what..

Please try. I'm not saying you have to stay alive. But please... try to reach out first. Try your best  shot at life. And if it really doesn't work out. Then.. I don't know.

But please give it a shot.

 


 

I had a ...huge fight with my best friend in the middle of this. Actually last night.

It was about..stupid misunderstandings. Communication is so...hard.

And I just feel terrible about it that.. on top of all my feeling.. I had that going on too. I'm sorry Yousif.

I know we both feel  at fault.

And I'm still angry  and upset.

But.. I have no idea if that can even be fixed. At  least I don't know  what  to do about it.

If you..want to talk more or anything.. we can just.. I don't know anymore where I am or what I am now.

 


 

I know myself.

I know how things happend in the past. How my arms ended up with scars. How I ended up with such a terrible stomach.

I'm heading towards an "attempt". As I said. If my SO and roommate wouldn't be watching me constantly atm. I would've done it  last night.

I don't know how long I'll last before it happens this time.

I wish it would just stop. I just... don't want this anymore.

 


 

I'm sorry for writing this.

I'm sorry for....  it being so messy and unstructured and bad. Probably full of bad opinions or things I said...

For.. making myself the  center of attention.

The world is burning and I'm crying about myself...I know that... many people will tell me I'm justified cause what happend to me is terrifying and bad. But.. I don't know... I feel like... I'm not worth anything or deserve to complain or.. ugh....just..anything.

 

I wish this post would reach people. I wish this post would reach the 2 or 3  people mentioned earlier. Maybe I get courage and bother them again. But that would be bad to do I think. Maybe they find out some way.. I wish they did. Just that they know how much they mean to me. And for hanneskun and paxiti to know how much their messages  meant to me.

 

I don't know if I will do my usual...workflow of.. making an image for this.. posting it to twitter. How I'll post it..what I will do at all.

 

I just wanted to let this out . I've been doing nothing but cry and thinking about how fucking terrible I am the  last 2 days. Not that I didn't do  a lot of that before already.

 

I'm really sorry for this post or anything that comes after it...and.... I think this might just be my final, last post. Not to be dramatic or anything just.. I don't know if I ever want to write one again.

 

No matter if I die this weekend. Next week. Or whatever.  I...  don't know if I can keep this going anymore.

 

-Ayumi

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