My Past, Feelings about this blog & identity issues/self worth.

May 25, 2020 - 04:50:23 UTC

Trigger Warnings: Rape, Abuse, Suicide, Cursing,

Description: Feelings about self worth. Identity, some "Q&A" and.. I don't know. Feelings about my life and this blog? Please let me know if i missed any trigger warnings.

Finding anything to start this post with was pretty difficult.

I thought about starting it with "Normally I try make my posts somehow structured, so  you have blocks of related topics one by one, separated by these <hr> (horizontal lines). But I think this one will not be fully  or even partially like that"

 

But I felt like that's just a weird way to start something off.... It's pretty uninteresting and makes the person reading not even want  to read further. Boo, just get it on already.

 

Sigh. I don't know.

 

As I mentioned in my first 2 posts, I started this blog kind out of a slump.

I was and am still feeling that my life is just heading  downwards for years now. And I felt like that, since years, I haven't done anything meaningful. My life feels utterly pointless. I'm alive cause my SO and some other people want me to be alive. That's about it. There is  no goal... no aim.. no motivation to do anything..achieve anything... It's just existence  without reason. I believe some people can relate to this. But I think most people only have  these feelings for shorter periods of time.

 

I think I should clear some things up....

 

I wondered, after  talking to a person on  discord that reads these blog posts (by the way, I'm absolutely astonished that anyone between my 2-3 online friends actually reads this mess) that maybe I should add a short.. background tab or explanation somewhere.

Something like: "Hey,  my nickname is Ayumi, I'm a X year old girl. This blog handles my daily life and thoughts, dealing with me being raped from the age of 6-14 by a family friend/relative. I also suffer from schizophrenia which my mother also suffered from and made her commit suicide."

Or something along  those lines... just a short summary why  the hell I even write this stuff and why my blog is..... Ugh. Idk. "Special".

I don't think I'm special. I just don't know a word to describe it.

 

I think I'll figure out a post, and add it as a thing right under the absolutely unnecessary big banner  with my name and social media.

And then just make it link to a post where I talk about that stuff....

 

Anyways. Back to whatever I wanted to say.

I've been asked how it seems so...."easy" to talk about my past. And that felt really weird.

Before making this blog... I had ...weird phases of dealing with this stuff.

For about the age of 14-20/21 I barely thought about it. I was in therapy, I had Suicide attempts. Lots of them. But I barely thought about anything. My mind had  sometimes just short bursts of showing me memories, the rest was  me pushing it back, far far into my mind. My friends  at that time, including my SO of course, all knew about my past. Was not really my fault, they were school friends and even tho we  mostly managed to not get involved into media..our school thought it was smart to inform my whole class that "Ayumi will be  dealing with some heavy things and we want you to be very careful with her"... Ugh.

This isn't the full story about the school time and stuff but just the gist of it.

After that..I had  more of a phase where I was starting to not being able to ignore it anymore. It was becoming a daily thing slowly. Thoughts about the events. Memories playing in my head over and over.

That kinda lead me to  weird actions.. I had a phase where I wanted to tell everyone I meet, "Hey I'm Ayumi, I've been raped.".... Don't know why. I assume that it was suddenly such a big thing just overwhelmed me.

That phase of going more downhill and being very weird about it went on for a bit. Also lead  me to meeting my now best friend. Which I met over an internet community. I believe I just sent a sad message or something in the chat/platform we shared, and he messaged me, asking if I was okay. Goddamn. I wanted to seem normal  to him so I told him just mundane normal problems couples have or struggles "normal" people face. I don't know why or when exactly, but somewhen I opened up to him about the truth.

I still had a very weird relationship with my whole mental health things. And schizophrenia was not as big of a deal back then either as it is now.

To some people, very  randomly, I was very open about my past for no reason, to others I was way more reserved. I don't know. Really. I can't tell what was the  reason for it  really.

 

All this mental weirdness lead me to do a lot of stupid  actions too. I sometimes used my SO's account, pretending to be her, letting out steam that way  or explaining something about me that..... I just couldn't explain when I was... Me.

It was like I could distance myself from the issues again. And maybe explain or talk about things more clearer again.

My SO knew I was doing that, they didn't mind. As long as I'm mentally okay,  they let me do whatever I want.

I regret doing a lot of those things cause honestly it was  not that  great to do, and I believe it let to a lot of mistrust even today.

But I also have to say that I think it saved me from just leaving my friends. So judging with it was bad or good at the end becomes  a bit of a struggle.

 

Anyways. That phase ended over time... I barely tell anyone nowadays about it anymore. Honestly no one really. Some of my online friends know. My SO and our "roommate" know. That's about it.

Cause talking about it isn't easy. Everytime I write about things  that happend..or just write down thoughts.. It really exhausts me mentally.

 

So.. to answer the question that lead to this long ramble... It's not easy. It's very very fucking hard. It makes me cry sometimes or just stop in the middle  to take a break.

 


 

I guess that's a  good point to swap the topic a bit...

I talked about phases in my life. And honestly, my life is just going downhill.

Nowadays..or lets just say.. the latest "living situation" is as following:

 

Me and my SO are financially very well secured. I don't need  to work. My SO works from home. (No not due the pandemic). She takes nearly 24/7 care about me..which has sadly lead to her not really having much social contact anymore, even tho she loved to go out with friends. I talked with her a lot about that. It makes me feel super guilty. But shes fine with it. And I believe her that she is.

The love to my SO is really just something I don't understand, but has never been disproved in a  way where I wouldn't believe her(When I'm in a semi clear state of mind at least) when she tells me something like that is okay for her.

Anyways. Besides that, we had hired a cook. A private chef so to say. Cause my SO doesn't have the time and  also doesn't like cooking that much and I just.. can't do it anymore.(I'm not allowed  in the kitchen now for about..2  years  anyways... at  least alone).

They've been with us for a "long" time now, and through that time they and my SO became very good friends. They've also been super nice and patient with me. Which lead to them becoming a close friend of mine too.(We've recently been thinking if they move in with us, we pay for their apartment anyways but we have room in our living space. They've been around us nearly 24/7 now too so... Eh.)

I've learned a lot from them too. They're insanely kind  and emotional. They call me their little soft bean. Or other weird  cute names. And I learned a lot from them about Trans/Non Binary  people. (They're assigned female at birth,  non binary, femme leaning.).

That  also was an issue at the start, cause they were more  masculine leaning and seemed very androgynous that way. And well.. as per my last post.... I reaaaalllly don't go well with masculinity so them wanting to be more in that direction really blocked us. But they've since then changed  their... presentation.

 

Anyways. Okay. Living situation cleared up.

 

What I wanted  to get to is my current mental situation.

Since about ..2 months or so, I have these nightly attacks I mentioned in another post.

Besides that, I have stopped doing anything enjoyable or... hobby I ever had since years.

I used to draw. I have multiple drawing tablets and other stuff. I can't do that anymore.

I hate games... I play some to distract me sometimes, as long as it  works okay. But that's really the only reason. I don't enjoy them. They're just very  very easy to get into and try to get my mind a bit  away from thoughts.

If I don't play games, I nowadays just try  to hide in our living space. I then think a lot. Cry. Or just simply stare at things mindlessly until my SO tells me to stop and come sit with her  or something like that.

I dont enjoy doing anything. All I do is sit and let myself be swallowed by my thoughts.

I chat a lot on some communities, pretending to be way way happier and normal than I actually am. I fear that if I just act like myself people wouldn't like me. And I think it's also a true thing.

No one likes to be around a constantly sad person. Someone who might lash out or just  talks about depressive things.

IRL I barely talk. I actually wish I was mute. I don't like talking. Chatting feels easier. especially since it doesn't involve paying attention to a lot of signs. (Tone of the voice, facial expression, gesture and so on.) I'm  really bad with that. I have a lot of struggle with feeling empathy and interpreting intend or feelings of another person IRL.

Online that gets  way easier for me.

But I hate that I have to pretend I'm "happy". I'm not happy at all. But I can't have any social contacts if I don't pretend to be this way... I know its true. Friends always tend to leave you over time when you're just "That  sad person" especially people online, since most of the time, the  anonymity makes it way easier to just forget about someone. Or slowly exclude them.

 

It's really... sad that I can't be myself.. but that's how it is...

 

 


 

Okay. Another thing that was very much a big thing  the last few days and that has built up over the years....

I don't know  who or what I am anymore.

A weird thought isn't it?

You're human, a female  human of the age 26. You look like what you see in the mirror. That's it.

 

But... It's not that easy...

I only  started  talking about it with someone  else than my SO.... I think about a month or 2 ago. Maybe even 3. With my best friend.(No not our roommate).

I..explained that.. I can't see myself in the mirror anymore.. I.. see my face..my body.. It looks like.."always" but... It feels..not there.

If I think about how I see myself, as in close my eyes  and imagine looking at myself from the outside, 3rd person... I see... a misty figure. A dark blob of mist. Something not  quiet there, without clear outlines or definitions. I don't know what makes me, me anymore.

I don't know what defines me... what I am... Who I am. It's a big struggle with my identity. And I've talked a bit more about with since then with some other people and its... not like other peoples struggle  with their identity.

Like, our roommate for example had struggle with their identity as a  woman before coming out as NB. But it's not comparable at all. 

I also read a lot about depersonalisation in relation with people that suffer from PTSD/CPTSD.

This issue has been talked about with me in the past with various therapists too. But it wasn't a big deal back then. Now it is. 

And the stories  of struggles I see or hear from others are... not that relatable to me.. I think.

But maybe in the end it's just my lack of empathy, the ability to set myself into someone  else's shoes, making me  feel like it's not comparable/relatable. 

 

But I just feel so insanely... like nothing... Like I'm just.. a void that  shouldn't be there, but somehow is. I can't think about myself anymore and point out things easily.

It's very...troubling.

 


 

Which leads me to the last thing I wanted to talk about... the feeling of guilt...motivation.. and just a general feeling of worthlessness.

 

I always felt kinda.. not worth much. And over the  years the  guilt in my grew.

Why didn't I just  say anything?....Did I maybe..like it? Or did I deserve it? Was I just bad and it was the punishment for me? It's my fault it happend. I should feel guilty. I deserve to get punished like he used to punish and torture me.

 

I have  these thoughts  a lot.

These feelings of insane guilt. It makes me feel extremely worthless.

 

I was short of deleting every single account I have yesterday. Delete My website. My discord(My only  contact platform to my best friend). Delete just every. Single. Little. Thing.

I wanted and still want to crawl into a cave. I don't want to be seen anymore.

This blog is insanely pointless...

 

Who even reads this? Maybe 5-6 people  at the end?

Who will even read this far. What I talked about before is just.. uninteresting shit. Or maybe comes of as even a show off. "Oh you have a loving SO... Oh you have money and don't need to worry about that... Oh you have close friends".

Sigh.

I hate it.

I mean.

I believe there are people that will  see it that way.... and my mind  wants me to believe these people will be  the big majority that will even read it...

But.. I know I shouldn't think that way....

Sigh. This struggle with feeling like  all this is pointless.. no one will see it anyways.. and yet feeling guilty and bad about even doing it cause it probably  will just make people  laugh about me or hate me... makes me just cry. 

I feel like no one cares about me. Even tho a few people  do. Yeah. But I believe they have twisted  reasons  for it.

My SO probably just settled for me cause I look pretty and was very easy to manipulate. And maybe she even gets enjoyment out of seeing  me struggle so much. Maybe she likes  seeing me in pain.

My friends probably secretly share a chatroom or something and laugh about me.. post what I sent them  privately or just... think I'm a little fucking snowflake that should just deal with her shit by herself...

 

And any random person that will maybe read this...

They will laugh. Maybe don't even believe me. Or try to troll me. Hate me.  Maybe  try to doxx me?

I don't know...

This fucking hurts thinking about it.(Writing while crying is really hard.  And yes I know. Mentioning you're crying while  writing something is extremely cringe.)

But fuck... This just  reminds me so much of the fears and struggles I had at this time... That..  my parents wouldn't believe me.. that I would do something wrong by telling anyone.. that people will not believe me and call me  a liar or laugh about me.. maybe everyone already knew and played along?

 

I don't know what to write anymore I think I overdid it this time. Sorry.

 

Maybe I'll try order my thoughts a bit more in advance next time.

 

-Ayumi

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