Mental health

May 20, 2020 - 12:43:05 UTC

Trigger Warnings: Rape, Abuse,

Description: A slight current view on my mental health from my own perspective. Also some rambling about relationships and the feeling of being understood.

Alright....

I guess I'll write my first real post about something?

 

I've been thinking about doing this a lot lately. Simply cause my (C)PTSD/Schizophrenia and other mental stuff make me feel a lot like I'm just stuck in a swamp.

A feeling of not being able to get out of it, being stuck in a mental hell, with no motivation to do anything. My thoughts tend to just go in the direction of "I really don't want to live anymore, this will get worse over time, the older I get the  worse it will be. I tried therapy and other things. Nothing  will ever really help anyways."

If you're stuck with that line/way of thinking, I feel like you're not going  to get out of it, ever. No matter how great my SO is to me, no matter how many times friends tell me my mind isn't right, and to just please keep on trying. It doesn't work.

 

It's a weird feeling of not being understood by anyone. 

I mean, yes I've read a lot of stories about people, other woman especially, who went trough rape/abuse in their childhood/teens. But I feel like the stories never... "connect". I can.. relate to their feelings..kinda?

But at the end, I feel still separated. They wouldn't understand. It has always been that way. Even when I opened up about these  years that were pure hell, to people that went trough similar things, or people that "should" understand. Like specialized therapists or others.

And I mean... it's understandable isn't it?

My mom blessed me with her gift of Schizophrenia, in addition to that I have some other problems.  So it's understandable. We may relate in the sexual abuse somewhat(I mean every victims feelings or experience is different but I think there is a common ground looking back at what I learned from group therapies, mental hospitals, therapists and so on) but I have so much else on top of that, it warps my perception. It changes how I perceive things. How I think about them. So even tho maybe their stories are supposed to awake a feeling of "Oh yes, I see myself in this, I can understand!", they don't really do it for me.

 

I'd really wish sometimes cause of these issues, I could talk to a replica or clone of myself. Someone who just...gets it.

My SO tries. A lot. They try the hardest out of every person I know. Beyond what anyone  would probably call reasonable they protect me and try  to be there for me, understand me.

But yet, even with all their effort and years of trying, I feel like they can't understand. They know what to do somewhat when I have a breakdown. How to talk to me when I'm on the edge. They know a lot of my thoughts. But they're still far from making me  feel understood.

I wish  that was different. Just based on how much I love them and how much I see them try. considering we know each other "shortly" after everything came out. And they immediately tried to help me and be there for me even tho we were just teens. But even as just a 15 year old they  did so much for me.... I don't know what  to say about it.

And now, about 12 years later, besides all their effort and amazing things they did for me,  always being there. I regularly question them: "Do you love me? You hate  me  right? You're just with me cause  you want to make fun about things I tell you, aren't you?". Sometimes Schizo. is a bitch, isn't it?

Makes you question your loved ones for even the slightest "negative" thing they might do. Making you think everything is now over. They were always against you. I can already hear the laughs they shared about me with others.

Its not just exhausting and depressing. It's absolutely demotivating and gives me a feeling of guilt. I don't deserve this person. I can't even accept these things they do for me. I still just doubt them.

 

I wish I could blame this on the man that raped me for years when I was just a child. I really wish I had an  easy explanation that would at least make me feel like there's a reason  for my thoughts.

But I think, even tho I can blame  a lot on that, the feelings of doubt about them are not among them. at least I don't feel like they come from that.

 

It would be so nice if he was the reason too. It would be nice if I'd only had to fight that trauma. 

But it's just not the case. I wonder why life chose to deal me just the worst cards. Did I deserve all this? A lot of times I feel like I do.

I feel a lot like I deserved it. Yeah. I feel like I deserved to get abused, raped and tortured for Years, being as  little as 6 Years old, till around being 14.

It's insane isn't it? It sounds absolutely insane. Who would think that way? Deserve these things at that age? Everyone would "obviously" say "No, never".

 

But then... what's the reason if I didn't deserve it? Don't tell me there was no reason. That's just even more depressing. I went over the "Well he was just mentally sick and..." and all that other crap.

Feels like Nonsens to me. Am I supposed to believe it was just tough luck my life turned out like that? I honestly feel like implying that  is just sick. Telling someone all these  things happend for absolutely no reason.

 


 

But to clear my mind of this. I wonder what my end goal  with this "project" is. Do I want to be heard? Just share my story and thoughts into a void? What do I even want from this?

I mean, I assume it's like a diary. Had that before. Therapists often recommended that I write down thoughts and so on.

Always dropped that very quickly. I wonder if this will be different?

 

It would be nice to share my thoughts with people... or just share my story, see what others think about it. I honestly  feel like people, especially on the internet.  would just point and laugh.

But then again my "reasonable" side is like.... "Hey, they wouldn't. They  know its a serious topic. There are trolls out there, sure. But the majority of people wouldn't do that."

Who knows?

 

I think I'll just share it, else I'd feel like it's pointless. But I don't know if I need anyone to actually pay attention to my messed up thoughts and crazy writing.

 

-Ayumi

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