I want it all just to end

August 23, 2020 - 15:06:16 UTC

Trigger Warnings: Rape, Abuse, Gore, Suicide, I don't know probably more

Description: A talk about my past, the current issues and my feelings of just loosing my sanity more and more.

I feel extremely cold....

 

Funny right? Cause it's so hot everywhere.

My SO is showering like every few hours, our roommate moans about dying to the heat constantly.

It seems so normal...

 

 

Ha. I should write a whole post like that.. just out of the perspective of normal things... leave out all the rest...

 

No.

 

Sigh. I have been trying  to write  a post since 2  weeks or so now. A lot of thoughts I had felt like something I wanted to write down...

But I just couldn't get myself to do anything really...

 

But.. oh well. Here we  are.

 


 

Well. What has happened lately? Since my last post?

 

I honestly  would say not much.

 

One of  the biggest things was that I managed to talk to my SO once. It's hard  to remember entirely to be honest since it's a while ago now..

I was having an insanely bad breakdown, I was a mess. And I guess in that moment it didn't matter much. Since I was at my limit anyways.

I can't fully remember what  I said.. or what we  talked. I think it was for …

Continue reading I want it all just to end


Why is the world so fucked and why am I too?

July 13, 2020 - 10:39:04 UTC

Trigger Warnings: Rape, Abuse, Suicide, Cursing, Gore, LGBT, Transphobia, Psychopathy

Description: Current situation, LGBT and Trans issues, My gender identity, Empathy and personal flaws

I wrote this post over a span of days.

And this post contains some very personal and conflicting things that I simply beg you to not judge quickly or too harsh. 

I'm sorry if this post is very incoherent. I tried fixing it as  much as I can. It turned out to be one of the longest, if not the longest posts I've done.
Please keep my mental state and who I am in mind when reading.
Thank you.

 

It has been over a month since my last post.
A lot has happend, a lot of things stayed the same, I'll give a summary of things.

I think around on the... 5th?(I can be totally be mixing up dates here) I reached my limit again and out of desperation, tried to actually stab myself and slice my arms open with a nail file.

Are you aware how not made nail files are to slice? But I can barely remember what went into my head. I was in such a weird state of having attacks of PTSD and just feeling so hopeless and endless.

 

Anyways. …

Continue reading Why is the world so fucked and why am I too?


No title

June 02, 2020 - 14:00:21 UTC

Trigger Warnings: Don't know

Description: Sigh

I said last post that it will probably be my last one. I guess I was wrong about that.

Nothing has changed. I'm fighting  with wanting to kill myself. My SO and our roommate try to just watch me constantly. I fail to see the reason. But that's just how it is. At the  end, I'll just loose  my mind, we'll fight and see what happens.

 

Anyways. I wanted to write some thoughts down in some...sorted way.

So I thought why not do it here.

 


 

I don't know  if  you saw my recent twitter posts but....

Well yeah.

I haven't talked to either of them for days now.  They constantly talk to me. I just don't respond.

I just don't....feel it anymore. I always hated talking IRL. But now I just feel...too exhausted... done.. painful to even respond to them.

As  I said, I tried  reaching out to people. And 2 responded. I actually also did end up talking  a bit more with them. But then it did just kinda.. die down.

And I understand that.

I simply  don't feel like bothering them. 

And I really hope I didn't end up  bothering Pas. They …

Continue reading No title


Thank you hanneskun and paxiti - I want to die - Call for help - Fighting with friends

May 30, 2020 - 21:14:47 UTC

Trigger Warnings: Rape, Abuse, Suicide just alot of things I really dont know.

Description: I don't know what to say to this

Fuck.

Fuck fuck fufxlk cfuck fuck fuick

Fuizcvk

 

Just. Fuck.

 

Sigh.

 

As probably no one really cares at the end, the last few days have been just more and more terrible.

 

I want to kill myself. I want to die. Please end this. Please just put it to an end I don't want to take this anymore I can't take it anymore.

 

I just dont know what  to say anymore.

I feel pathetic. I feel pathetic about talking about me wanting to commit suicide. 

Listen. I have tried  many times  in the  past. And currently I just want  to do it so badly again. But I can't. My SO and my Roommate literally don't leave  me alone for a single minute anymore the last few  days.

And I m just so...tired and weak and exhausted....

 

I..want to talk about some  things about the  last few days.

 


 

First. I wanted to talk about something positive for once. Yesterday when I felt just  absolutely hopeless, trapped and done, I reached out to a lot of people. The night before I already talked with a lot of people I know.

 

After  a …

Continue reading Thank you hanneskun and paxiti - I want to die - Call for help - Fighting with friends


Why are others happy but not me? - It just makes me want to kill myself.

May 28, 2020 - 17:05:49 UTC

Trigger Warnings: Rape, Abuse, Suicide, Graphic description of violence

Description: Some talk about suicide and feelings about "normal" people. Beware, it gets ugly.

As I said in my last post already, things have been going downhill a lot more recently. Not that it wasn't bad before but I feel like I'm reaching new heights nowadays.

 

As  I said in my last post. This feeling of identity loss is now just...stuck with me. I think about it constantly.

 

The last few days felt especially painful...

 

Do you know that  feeling of  jealousy cause  someone else has something and you don't?

I'm sure nearly everyone knows that feeling. But what usually makes that feeling worse? Realization that whatever you're jealous of you'll never achieve yourself. You can't have it or get to it. Which then even makes it worse if you once  maybe had something like that but you lost it somehow.

 

I've been feeling very  jealous recently.

Towards my friends(Why am I even saying that.. I don't know  who my friends are anymore and if I even have more  than 1 or 2...) and my SO. Or  random people.

I've been angry and just generally very upset about the fact that they can... be normal.

Live their life. Not worry about things like mine constantly.

Like... My SO takes  extremely …

Continue reading Why are others happy but not me? - It just makes me want to kill myself.


My Past, Feelings about this blog & identity issues/self worth.

May 25, 2020 - 04:50:23 UTC

Trigger Warnings: Rape, Abuse, Suicide, Cursing,

Description: Feelings about self worth. Identity, some "Q&A" and.. I don't know. Feelings about my life and this blog? Please let me know if i missed any trigger warnings.

Finding anything to start this post with was pretty difficult.

I thought about starting it with "Normally I try make my posts somehow structured, so  you have blocks of related topics one by one, separated by these <hr> (horizontal lines). But I think this one will not be fully  or even partially like that"

 

But I felt like that's just a weird way to start something off.... It's pretty uninteresting and makes the person reading not even want  to read further. Boo, just get it on already.

 

Sigh. I don't know.

 

As I mentioned in my first 2 posts, I started this blog kind out of a slump.

I was and am still feeling that my life is just heading  downwards for years now. And I felt like that, since years, I haven't done anything meaningful. My life feels utterly pointless. I'm alive cause my SO and some other people want me to be alive. That's about it. There is  no goal... no aim.. no motivation to do anything..achieve anything... It's just existence  without reason. I believe some people can relate to this. But I think most people only have  these feelings for shorter periods of time.

Continue reading My Past, Feelings about this blog & identity issues/self worth.


Men suck, Feminism & LGBT vs Religion

May 22, 2020 - 22:16:00 UTC

Trigger Warnings: Rape, Abuse, Misandry, Homophobia, Politics, Religion

Description: My thoughts about men and issues with them. Also some rambling about Feminism, Religion and LGBT things. Also some sexuality stuff.

After writing  this, I realized I went really off track on some points and didn't  conclude as I wanted. But I don't want to  rewrite everything/parts. So I'll just keep it.

 

 

I thought about what would fit as an headline for this topic.

And I honestly think I found a pretty good one.

 

I really hope that reading the title of this post made you angry.

"Men suck". What? That's a pretty bold generalization. What a stupid SJW snowflake opinion.

I chose this title cause I have issues with men and I see many people that also went trough abuse/rape or other similar issues with men who start to then resent and generalize  all men as "pigs, rapists and white cis male supremacists".

 

Let me clear something right at the start: I agree but I also disagree.

 

I think in general, how our world works, men have the  most power. Abuse it the most. And statistics show that men are the most criminal. Also the most people that perform rape or abuse are male identified.

But also... Women do the same.

There are female criminals. Female rapists and abuser. They might be less, yeah. …

Continue reading Men suck, Feminism & LGBT vs Religion


Nights - Suicide

May 22, 2020 - 00:00:18 UTC

Trigger Warnings: Rape, Abuse, Gore, Suicide

Description: Some talk about my current usual nights, my feelings about suicide and some issues with my family.

Nights?

 

Nights.

 

Aren't nights weird? They used to be my favorite time of every day.

When it's dark outside, everything is silent, it feels kind of like a different world.

I used to really like that. Or rather, appreciate it. Loud sounds are something I can handle really badly. Scares me to hell. It's not loud at all where we live now. But still. Nights are special.

 

But not anymore...

Nowadays nights have turned into living hell. I'm not entirely sure why.

I get attacks/breakdowns that are the worst I've ever had, every single night  really.

I'm used to hearing voices, seeing  weird things happen. Seeing weird creatures/shadows.(Man,  Schizophrenia is really hard to explain...)

I'm also used  to PTSD attacks giving me flashbacks to scenarios and situations.

 

I'm as used to to these tings as you can be. I guess.

But these nights are different.

Around 3am ish(our time) it mostly starts. Till then my mind and mental status  goes  from "shit" to "What the absolute fucking living hell".

And then it hits.

You know. Normally I hear  sounds. I hear  and see doors moving. Things move around. All that stuff.

But with these attacks...breakdowns.. I …

Continue reading Nights - Suicide


Mental health

May 20, 2020 - 12:43:05 UTC

Trigger Warnings: Rape, Abuse,

Description: A slight current view on my mental health from my own perspective. Also some rambling about relationships and the feeling of being understood.

Alright....

I guess I'll write my first real post about something?

 

I've been thinking about doing this a lot lately. Simply cause my (C)PTSD/Schizophrenia and other mental stuff make me feel a lot like I'm just stuck in a swamp.

A feeling of not being able to get out of it, being stuck in a mental hell, with no motivation to do anything. My thoughts tend to just go in the direction of "I really don't want to live anymore, this will get worse over time, the older I get the  worse it will be. I tried therapy and other things. Nothing  will ever really help anyways."

If you're stuck with that line/way of thinking, I feel like you're not going  to get out of it, ever. No matter how great my SO is to me, no matter how many times friends tell me my mind isn't right, and to just please keep on trying. It doesn't work.

 

It's a weird feeling of not being understood by anyone. 

I mean, yes I've read a lot of stories about people, other woman especially, who went trough rape/abuse in their childhood/teens. But I feel like the stories never... "connect". I …

Continue reading Mental health


Don't know

May 19, 2020 - 22:17:18 UTC

Trigger Warnings: -

Description: My first post about what I think I should do with this website.

I'm currently thinking about just making this a "private" blog. Something where I can just write down thoughts or things that happen. 

Not entirely sure what this would do tbh.
I feel at the end it would probably be insanely pointless. Also I wouldn't like people that know me IRL like my SO to read it. I feel like that limits or scares me. What if I want to share something I wouldn't want them to know or I assume they would misunderstand. Or what if I simply don't want them to change based on what I write here.

 

I don't know.

 

I really don't

 

-Ayumi

Continue reading Don't know


Overview